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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Decisions, Decisions...

...I've decided that I'm going to start blogging more! I think it will be an easy way for me to get my feelings out and not bother too many people in the process unless you are one of the few who actually read my posts!!

That's all I needed for today!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Thank You

To those of you who read my post yesterday I just wanted to say Thank You!! I have never received so many messages, and texts from people with such encouraging words before. You don't know how much that meant to me! It means the world to me to know that so many people care and that many of you have been through this, or are going through this as well.

The hardest thing is seeing those closest to you experience the joy and happiness that comes with finding out you're pregnant and having a child. To those of you who I am close with that are expecting I'm am happy for you, I really am. But you have to realize and try for just one second to put yourself in my position please and then you will see how come I get so upset.

Again, I just wanted to say THANK YOU to those who reached out to me with kind words of encouragement yesterday!! Keep the prayers coming!!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Serious Rant Coming...

If you don't want to listen to my rant, bitch, complain, cry, whine, etc then stop reading right now.

I have a lot to say and its all about to come out in a bunch of word vomit, it may hurt some feelings but i'm at the point where I don't really care anymore.

WHY DO PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO HAVE MORE CHILDREN ALWAYS END UP PREGNANT? And those of us who would literally DIE to have a child can't get pregnant. It's not fair, and I know most of you are thinking well yea life's not fair, but come on, it really isn't fair!!! And most of these people are single parents, nothing against that, I've been one of those before, but we are a loving , married couple that want nothing more than to have a child of our own!! If you don't want to get pregnant than take the proper methods to not get that way, it only takes ONE time and that has been proven over and over and over again!

Most of you will say, you have Makenzie, you have a child, be thankful for that. Yes I Have a child, what you need to understand is that my husband does not have a child of his own. As much as he loves Makenzie and treats her as his own and as much as she loves him and treats him like he is her dad when she is with us, she does not call him dad, and he has no one that calls him that.

Most of you don't know and will never know what it feels like to wake up everyday and see the hurt and pain in your husband's eyes because he wants nothing more than to have a child of his own. Most of you know or will ever know what it feels like to feel like a failure for not being able to give your husband, the one person you love most in the world (besides my child) the one thing he longs for the most.

Before you all go assuming it has something to do with Anthony, it's more than likely not him.

Most of you do not know this, but we had a miscarriage last December right before Christmas.  It was very early in the pregnancy that is why we didn't discuss it with hardly anyone. It wasn't anyone's business as far as we were concerned. But now the world knows!!

More than likely the problem is me not ovulating and my menstrual cycles being out of whack. I am trying to take natural supplements to help with that before I go to the doctor and get prescribed countless medications to help! I'm also trying to lose a little weight in hopes that that will help as well.

We have been at this for 17 months and counting and it is starting to wear both of us out. You all say stop trying and it will happen, well when it's been that long it doesn't seem like it will ever happen!! SO QUIT TELLING US TO STOP TRYING IT'S GETTING OLD!!! 


The only reason i'm writing this is because in the last 30 days I have found out that 5-6 people I know are expecting and everywhere I look there is somebody else pregnant! I can't stand it anymore, I can't take the pain. There are many nights I cry myself to sleep wondering what is wrong with me. I wake up everyday and hate to look at my husband to see the pain in his eyes. I wake up wondering why me, and I ask God everyday why and to please let us conceive soon.

I think that is all I have to say right now. If you read this thanks for sticking through it!

Monday, June 18, 2012

ALmost 5 years

Wow, I can't believe that my little munchkin girl will be 5 year old in 5 days!!! Seriously where has the time gone!!

I was really hoping that we would be blessed wiht another little one by now, but obviously that isn't happening like we expected! What I wouldn't give to give Makenzie the little sister/brother that she keeps asking for! It would have made a magnificent birthday present for her! All she wants more than anything int he world is to have someone to play with and someone to help take care of, I get asked weekly sometimes daily when we are going to have another baby and it breaks my heart a little more each time!

I don't want this to turn into a sad post!!! I just wanted to say that I can't believe my baby girl is 5 already, well almost! It seems like just yesterday she was teeny tiny baby!!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Time is flying!

I can't believe  that in a little over two months we will have been married for a year! I can't believe time is going so fast! In 3 months i'll have a 5 yr old who will be starting Kindergarten in 5 months! HOLY CRAP! Not to mention i'll turn 25 in 5 months as well! Where has all the time gone???

I just wanted to get that all out there since i've just really realized how fast time is actually going! I can't wait to see what the rest of this year has to offer us! I'm hoping it's only good things and i'm hoping some of the things we've been wanting the most happen here soon!

Well that was my short note for the day!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Here's to hoping...

...that this is our cycle! yet again we're in the waiting period of finding out whether or not this is our month to have conceived or not! As much as I am hoping that this is finally it for us i am done getting my hopes up at the end of every cycle for them to just be shut down. This is the first cycle we could actually try so here's to hoping that it worked!! With a bunch of people around me becoming pregnant it is still hard to not be jealous of them. It's also hard to put a fake smile on my face and pretend like i'm super happy and excited for them! Don't get me wrong i am happy for whoever i know that is having a baby, but it still hurts!

Well that's all i need to vent about for now!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Short Vent....

Ok I need to vent for like 2 seconds...

I don't understand how people can decide it's time for another baby and BAM end up pregnant on their first time trying!!! I don't think it's fair! I've been tracking my cycles, taking vitamins, trying to stay unstressed and trying to everything in my power to get pregnant and stay pregnant and it obviously isn't enough! What is enough?? When will it be my turn to have another little baby growing inside of me? I know, I know life isn't fair, but really come on! Can't I catch a break?!?!? Anthony and I want a child together so badly, I'm at the point of giving up, i'm at the point of thinking maybe I'm only supposed to have one child...who knows if this is right or not, but seriously i'm tired of trying and failing.

Ok, that's all i needed to say!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Mixed Emotions...

So I don't know how to describe what i have been feeling lately.  It has been hard for me to be around people who have just had a baby or who are pregnant, or just found out that they are pregnant.  I know this sounds mean or harsh, but I feel jealous of what they have because we have not been able to successfully conceive yet.  I am so very happy for all of my friends who have just had babies and who have just gotten their Big Fat Positives, but I have wanted a baby for so long now, it just seems out of reach and I am becoming a bit depressed about the whole situation. I'm so sick of hearing when are you going to get pregnant? when are you going to try for another baby? aren't you two going to have more kids? Are you pregnant yet? You better hurry up and have another one before Makenzie gets too much older.  Really people, don't you think we migh tbe trying it's just taking us a little longer than we thought or had planned on??? Or the whole quit trying so hard and it will is there such a thing as trying TOO hard to have a baby???

I guess this is more of a vent than a post, but i'm just feeling frustrated and I have nobody to turn to, to talk about this stuff as I left the group I was in because of some negative feedback from me trying to tell them something I thought was cute. ANYWHO! I love you all who have just gotten your BFP's and who are currently preggo and who have just had your babies, i'm just super frustrated with our current situation and wish there was something we could do to make getting pregnant easier.

That is all for now!